[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.