Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.