[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
True
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.