Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

All right then, keep your secrets

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet