@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Storm Tropical Storm
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
