Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

😂💯

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.