Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.