Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

That’s it.I’m out.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao