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No one: I can hear screaming
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Saw your ex at the shops
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Mood.. 😂
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
get you a girl who
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.