Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!