Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!