Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House