Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”