Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel