Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
the composer
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Grow up never but we old may grow we
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
NOT all policemen are strippers.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people