Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza