[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔