Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

where’s Godzilla when we need him

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.