Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Body by sandwich.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

Yup!

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No