Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Managing expectations

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?