Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.