Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.