Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

October already? What’s next? November????

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

is he marrying that labradoodle

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house