Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
The legends were true
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping