Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day