Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.