Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
