Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
estão todos miauvindo?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?