Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.![]()
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.