Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

They did not miss in the small print

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people