Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

there’s music for literally every activity

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

dutch so unserious

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.