Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too