Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.