Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
money maker
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.