Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments