Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*