Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
