Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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black phone good
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*