Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume