Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child