Sparkling homunculus??????? 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
here鈥檚 the problem with fruit: it鈥檚 inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what鈥檚 the same every time? doritos
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call 鈥榚m deviled eggs.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My wife gives the best headache.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
馃き馃槀
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.