Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
gm
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”