Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.