Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

bro what is going on at twitter

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.