Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.