“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?