Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Heroic Misunderstanding
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?