Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it