Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on