[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Dance like you’re not the father
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.