[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”