Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

😭😭😭

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing