Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Discuss

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.