Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.