speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
You Might Also Like
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Oops I deleted….
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.