Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.