Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

How I like cutting carbs

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.