(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD