Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.