Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.