@jazmasta

[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“No”
“Didn’t think so”

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@coalslag

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

@scorpiusryan21

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

@tbhjuststop

*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

@AnOrangeSNES

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

@robfee

I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner