Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.