@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

- @jazmasta

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@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

@mommajessiec

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

@alisha_foley

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
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REALITY:

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@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@AbbieEvansXO

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right