FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Planet of the Apps.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.