Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Meant to tell my coworker, “Hey, how’s it going?” but it accidentally came out as, “Raise your hand during a meeting one more goddamn time and I will end you.”

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

2022: I can fix it

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live