*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them