Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

“FRAAANCE!”

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice