Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Why am I like this?

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.