Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.