Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.