Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

Always the camel, never the toe.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

😂😂

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?