Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.