[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I hate everything
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
we’re gonna need another temp
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Sex so good you see dead people.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
incredible book dedication
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS