Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.