Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.